BluePlasticToy

It’s been a weird few weeks for me. I don’t know how I feel about things or why I’ve been acting so irrationally…the truth is I’m scaring myself…and I’m jeopardizing my most important relationships with the ones I love.

Life would be so much easier as a boy. At one point I thought I was speaking their language and I understood why they did what they did…and to a certain a degree I understand them even if I don’t get it. 

When I became a “girlfriend” I really didn’t know what that meant…not like I thought I did. I don’t think I’m a good girlfriend…at all. Maybe this is because I never really was anyones girlfriend. (16 means nothing at this point) 

I need to clear my mind I think because at this point everything is so cluttered and disoriented.

The other day Kyle made some snarky comment to me in a restaurant I got pretty pissed and made the rest of the breakfast entirely awkward by not saying a word.

Later I apologized to Kyle and Ian for my ridiculousness and all went right back to how it always is because that’s all boys do…they bounce back…like it never happened.

Later, when I got off work, I walked into Ian’s house after work to find Andy and his wife. We had decided to make dinner so we went to the grocery store…the entire time I spent with Andy and Ian…I could feel a weirdness…the weirdness you feel after you’ve walked into a room where everyones been talking about you…that was my whole night. 

When we had purchased our items and headed back out to the car Andy made a comment that I really couldnt say anything to because of the way it was said. “I heard you got pissed at hoops this morning…because he told you to sit down”  Andy seemed to think it was hilarious but for me…I was embarrassed. My boyfriend…my best friend had told about this one little moment…this one crazy moment…to a boy who seems to want nothing more than to get out of the life he chose for himself…the one where he married at 22 and is having a baby by nearly 23. 

The boy who gives me nothing but uncomfortable vibes.

I shot Ian a look. 

When I brought it up, thanking him in a sarcastic tone for putting me on blast…he didn’t say anything.

For some reason this stung.

It stung because it meant I was just a girlfriend …not a friend.

This is when I began to miss my past.

When I wondered why anytime a girl has an off moment…it gets chalked up to her period or crazy…or in general “that’s a woman for you”

This makes me hate being a girl…and it makes me hate boys. 

This is also when my over active analyzation started to go mad.

What did he tell Andy exactly? Why was it brought up? Why did I have to be so stupid as to do something that meant they’d won…that meant that I was weak? And when they said “boys lie?” how do I take that? How can I not believe that everything is now a lie to somehow make me happy? What did Andy say to Ian? Did he say to leave me? That I’d get worse just like every woman…because he’s so bitter with his own life? And now what does Ian actually think? 

But the biggest question is…why do I care?

I shouldn’t really…I should just move on. 

But I can’t because as a girl…and as myself…I need to know that it really is okay. 

I have to stop my irrational outbursts…and the truth is I’m making it worse thinking about it all day and all night because it shows on my face. It shows and my sadness and confusion make it worse. 

I need to start trying to think like a boy again. I need to remember that I can just as easily bounce back.

I filled out my first student loan application, as my parents are officially tired of how ridiculously high priced tuition is…and the amount of time it’s taking me to get through this whole college thing.

Filling  out the application made me see and feel how old I’ve gotten. I swear to god it was just yesterday I was prancing around BOHS in ridiculous  outfits and laughing without worry or concern for the future ahead of me. It’s really silly. Everything thats happened in the last few years just boggles my mind. It was a year ago that I saw those “Commencement” flags all around my college campus and wishing that I could look at them and feel proud of myself because those flags were for me. A year later I’m looking at them and still fighting the urge not to cry. 

While I talked to the “student loan man,” I began to again think of those flags and how maybe, just maybe, next year would be the year that those flags would mean something other than failure and self pity. I assured “student loan man” that I would, without a doubt, be finished with school by August of 2013. He laughed a little….maybe it was how overly sure of myself I sounded…or just the general goofiness in my constant dramatics that made him laugh, I didn’t know…but it made me feel a little better. Laughter makes me feel better…whether it’s me laughing or someone else, it always reminds me that hope is a far stronger and larger feeling  than fear and sorrow. 

I think sometimes I get this sense entitlement…like “I know about kids” and “my experience will far surpass anything I’m going to learn from this fucking text book or this goddamn research essay.” But in reality, I’ve barely scratched the surface and I must learn to humble myself…to stop the swelling of my own head…to remind myself that nothing comes to you in this life if you don’t adhere to the basic rules and requirements that are necessary in the general scheme of things. I like to think that I can get anywhere just on a smile and several self adventures and life lessons. I like to think that I can get anywhere on the sole act of living and living fully. And as all that is nice and dandy for oneself…it still won’t get me a college degree…it still won’t get me a job and that’s when reality really hits. 

How can finish if I rarely make the effort to start? 

I think it’s been five years of major growth and self examination and improvement. I think I focused so much the last half of a decade on trying to live rather than on what life will be like after I turn 25…worse 30 or 40! The sad truth that we all know so well is that…we don’t know what the future holds…and we never will. So once we learn that and instill it into our minds…I think thats when we begin our attempts to at least somewhat plan for possible future outcomes, the obstacles that are ahead of us all, the ups and downs….and somehow still balance “living” on top of it all. 

Right now, I haven’t reached that point. I’m so present oriented. I think that I always have been a very present oriented person. I hate the idea of change…I hate the idea that my future might be completely different than my current vision of it…so I try not to think too much about it in order to save myself the stress and anxiety. Of course this is juvenile and silly. I am 22…but at 22 you still have to grow up. 

At 22 it isn’t okay to be failing math class. It isn’t okay that I refuse to show up because I’m afraid everyone in there knows that I’m a failure….that math is too hard for me and makes me feel like there’s an earthquake going on inside of me, destroying everything I’ve built up. It isn’t okay to think that it’s okay.

I am a silly girl who partied and still managed to easily get through junior college….and thought that university could be the same way. 

When summer school starts…when fall semester is about to begin….I’m making a promise to myself that I lock party Katie in a closet most of the time…while of course still letting her free on special occasions. I promise that I’m going to give it real effort…I promise that by 2013 I’m going to look at those fucking flags and smile. …and for godsakes I’m going to graduate.

Home.

Today was a good day to “come home.” I had most of the house to myself for a majority of the day (which I always love). I kept telling myself to maybe take a shower…to maybe get dressed…and maybe take a drive….but only just maybe. My bedroom and the quiet calm of “home” kept me. 

I sat in my room for a while separating my clothes into a closet pile, a shoes pile, and a drawers pile…until I found the floor. Then I put every thing away while listening to pretty melodies and sipping strawberry soda. When everything seemed to be in order after months and months of avoidance…I took a good look around at everything that seemed like years since I last saw it. In a way I missed this room. I missed when I’d pull out every Barbie doll I owned and turned them all into beautiful super models…I missed my purple flower power night light….I missed the pony wallpaper..and when the bed was over there, over there, and over there.  I missed being 14 and sneaking onto the internet in the middle of the night to have conversations with my best friends about…everything. I missed when I didn’t talk to boys…when I feared them because all I knew about them was that they could hurt you. I missed pulling the blankets over my head for those 15 extra minutes of sleep before school. I missed when things hurt so bad the world could be ending. 

As I stood thinking of all these things that took place in my bedroom eons ago…it began to all form in front of me…ghost memories. I still saw myself jumping on a bed that was no longer there…I still saw me creeping into my room at 5 am and when we stumbled in that Halloween you drove us and we couldn’t stop laughing…I saw myself crying over my first broken heart…I saw us that August laying on the floor talking and laughing, listening to my postal service record…right before we’d make one of the biggest decisions we could make at 20 year old. I saw myself sitting on my bed those times they rushed in to give me the bad news that seems to haunt us all at some point. I saw the nights I fell in love…the real big kind of love and the first time you picked me up in your silly black truck.

I saw it all again and I knew one day I’d see it maybe one more time…and that last time would be the last time I’d ever be in this room.

I thought about the news you gave me about moving to corona del mar and how it scared me but only because distance scares me when it comes to every body I love. When he told me the news, I’d been in Target  with my Father who instantly knew something was wrong. When I explained it to him, I knew it was silly to be upset. He sort of put his hand on my shoulder and said that it was terrible, but all I could do was do what I’ve been doing…”If you love someone,” he said,” then time and distance…really don’t matter.”…of course after he said that he jokingly threw in,”Now who is Ian?” But it was the first part that killed me and reminded me that not only does my father always have the best advice, but that I have to remember I’m not even 23 yet…and love is really time no matter the distance. I felt better then…it would be the same boy…the room, the bed, the place…would never matter. 

Sitting in my room made me remember and miss what is now an old life. I thought about when I would move and how far I’d maybe get from that old life. I realized I’d never stand out on my balcony or watch the sunset from my bed again. I’d never be 17 again. I’d never again have a first love, first kiss, or a first time. I’d be older…maybe even wiser. I would hope at that time in my life I’d have something to be so proud of…that leaving would only simply be the turn of a page to a new chapter. 

…If only life were so easy…if only life didn’t somehow always manage to turn on a fast forward switch whenever I’m not paying attention.If only I could sit here forever…with my memories playing all around me.

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory

The last four days have probably been the best four days I’ve had in a really long time. To be honest when I landed in Austin, Texas I was nervous because I was all alone and I didn’t know what to expect when I exited the air plane. But I entered the Austin airport only to breathe in the most wonderful smell I could ever smell..barbecue. It wasn’t just any old barbecue I smelled it was a real barbecue, the kind that made you think you’d found “home.” It was comforting and warm and I couldn’t help but instantly feel hungry. As I waited for my ride to get me from the airport I relaxed on a stone wall outside the airport and took it all in, the sun and the warm breeze. When I got in the car I couldn’t help feeling so happy to see the faces I loved so much and that’s when I knew it didn’t just smell of “home”….I was home. 

We stopped at the house of the very person we were there to visit and I was nothing but jealous and awestruck. It was the exact house I’d always dreamed of. It was yellow, small, but with a large grassy yard, three cats, wood floors, clothes hanging out to dry….it was nothing short of perfect. I only spent barely an hour at this house before I was whisked off with a girl I didn’t know only to spend the night with several other girls I didn’t know. I think this is what was the most nerve racking. I always tell myself that when I find myself in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people to do my absolute best to make them as familiar as I can. To remain open. To have a good time, no matter what. This was exactly my situation. At first I wasn’t too sure what the opinion of me was, as girls are usually the hardest to tell what it is they’re actually thinking. Here I was, a silly California girl, but I was so determined to make sure they knew me and hopefully all would be alright. That’s when I stopped thinking so much about their opinions and more about having a good time. 

By the end of the night, I’d made several new friends. 

When I entered my temporary home for the night I reflected on my first 8 hours in Texas. I thought of driving through the country side and being so incredibly impressed with how green and beautiful it was…and even more impressed with wild flowers and by how nice every one seemed to be. I found myself comparing every second I’d spent in Texas so far to my entire life spent in California. I felt a little cheated. Every one in Texas was so proud to be Texan…none of them really considered life in California. California wasn’t a life they wanted…they were happy. They were probably the happiest people I’ve ever met. Shit happened, but they still  had cow boy boots, warm nights, good friends, and an ice cold beer at the end of the day…life wasn’t so bad when they thought about it. 

That first night…I knew going home would never be the same…California would never be the same. 

I slept in the most beautiful room in the entire world and I even found a little cat that stayed on the grounds that ended up falling asleep with me that night. She snuggled me all night as if to  let me know that all was good in the world…that I was safe.

I woke up the next day and explored the little town of Fredericksburg. It was probably about a mile long before you hit country side again. It had cute little boutiques and and old fashion candy shops. It was slightly touristy, but not in the major city kind of way. 

Later that evening I was finally reunited with my two best friends at the rehearsal dinner. We drank beer and champagne and made a few more friends. 

It was when we got back to our temporary home that the night really came alive. I mean really…it was alive. Surrounded by happy people, a happy married couple to be, a happy three of us. We blasted country songs, we jumped on our beds, we danced in our boots, learned how to two-step, watched motor bike rides through our house, we kissed, we laughed, we told our stories, we listened intently to others stories, we posed for pictures…we fell into our beds just before the sun could see us. 

Finally, it was the day of the wedding. I put on my new dress and my cowboys boots. We talked to the groom and you could just see how happy he was…one wouldn’t be able to help but feel his happiness and be happy too. 

We got into cars and drove down dirt roads. We reached the field where the wedding ceremony would be held. Wild flowers and tall green grass were all around us. We sat on hay bales and watched as the bride, groom, and the bridal party made their way toward us. The bride was in the most stunning vintage wedding dress. They had written their own vows and I thought I might cry…they were words that some could relate to and smile because they understood and they were words that others hoped they could one day feel too. 

The ceremony was short, but it didn’t make any less perfect. This is when we headed back to our temporary Texas home where the reception would be held. Again I found myself awestruck. This was by far the most beautiful wedding…by far the greatest wedding that could ever be. I sat with my boyfriend at our own table. He told me that he didn’t mind that it was just the two of us at the table…he said he preferred it that way. That was when I knew something had changed even more so within him. For the last few years I’ve known how important he was to me…I knew there was ore to the two of us than any one might think…including himself. I had made the decision one November that I would be in it…I wouldn’t give up on him. He would see it one day, this I knew for sure. That April night was the first time I’d noticed it. Maybe it’s been there for a long time, but this when it became so beautifully obvious. 

The whispers of “I love you” became more real…became easier to say out loud without fear. I couldn’t have my life any other way and though I’ve known that for some time…I think it’s only now that it’s become apparent to him as well. All night we shared those secret looks that only two people can share. In the middle of the new friends, new stories, loud music, laughter, and dancing, I’d have only a single moment where there would be no one else around me except for him and  I would flash back to that first night that we hung out all the ups and downs and everything that had gotten us to the point we were at right now. 

It’s weird thinking about the several people you meet throughout your life that are only your best friend for a moment, an hour,a night… and the small amount of people that you absolutely without a doubt will know the rest of your life. 

I’ve been fortunate to find that in a handful of people.

I realized how happy I really was in Texas…and leaving was probably the hardest thing to do. It was hard to leave all my momentary “best friends,” it was hard to leave the warmth, the smell of barbecue and wild flowers, it was hard to watch the country side slip away as the airport came into view, it was hard to say good bye….but at the same time I was glad to return with and to the people I know I’ll have the rest of my life. 

Dear Texas,

Thank you for being good to me. One day I hope we meet again soon.

Love, Me

“Half of the time we’re gone we don’t know where…”

The last few weeks have been a little up and down for me. For instance, some days,  I’ve found myself at the height of complete frustration with everything…absolutely everything. Other days, I worry…all day long. Then, other days, like today I feel completely okay…like everything is going to work out…I guess when the little things bother me I tend to over look them until they happen over and over again. Then I end up with a huge collection of the same little thing that bothers me…then it isn’t so little anymore…then I explode. It’s after I explode or get so fed up that I let go of it again…that it stops bothering me all together. 

I guess I’m sort of weird. Maybe we all are. I was at a bar the other night (of course completely sober, as I’ve taken so much caution so as not to get in any sort of trouble) and we were with this girl, Lauren, who is 21 and is dating a 39 year old. Now, I would never in my life date anyone more than a couple years older than myself (and I most certainly would never date anyone younger, no matter how cute) but her life isn’t mine, and so I have no reason to judge especially since she seems so happy about it….anyway we were conversation about her 39 year old boyfriend and how no one seemed to understand her reasoning…then somehow she broke off and said.”Truthfully, it’s all about just having fun…but I feel like I’m at this age where fun isn’t as okay as it used to be…like I have to just grow up entirely..” 

This statement stuck with me…only because it was close to how I felt about things. In 4 months, I’ll be 23 years old. I’ll still be a junior on the brink of being a senior in college (after 6 years of being in college) I’ll still have the same job as a nanny for three swiftly growing boys who may no longer need me in a year from now. I’ll probably still be dating the only boy that’s ever been the only thought that clouds my brain most of the time…and we’ll probably still be happy and we’ll probably have new problems to face. Mostly, though, I’ll still have those mixed feelings of…”it’s okay I’m in my twenties I can still do that..” and”Seriously? How old are you? You have to grow up! You should have a career…you should seriously be thinking of the future and taking those bigger steps!”

Both of these thoughts scare the shit out of me. I hate to do this but Britney Spears said it right back in…oh 2001? “I’m not a girl…not yet a woman.” If I’m neither of those what I am I? Growing up and change have always been hard things for me to grasp…like when my birthday gets close…I literally only want to stay in bed for a week and hope that it isn’t true…or try and come up with ways to obtain a time machine of some kind…or an age freezer…or figure out where I could find the nearest vampire and convince him to bite me. 

I guess it’s a little childish and immature…but that’s exactly the point..I don’t want to grow up. I’m stuck here, unfairly, young and old at the same time and it’s really driving me bonkers.

I don’t know what the next few months are going to be  like or what will happen..as always…but the truth of it all is that I’m scared, really, scared that things won’t be okay or things won’t end how I want them to….then again if things ended up how I wanted them to in the past…I guess I would really be unhappy right now. 

I definitely do not, under any circumstance, want to turn 23.

Cheesy words from a now cheesy girl..

It’s almost funny the way things are. Funny, as in, five years ago, if you had described my current life I would probably laugh at how ridiculous and impossible it seemed. Then, of course, I’d frown about other things and maybe ask, what about Jose? Jamie? 

I guess a 22 and a half year old me would have a lot of trouble explaining life now to 17 year old me. 

But I also think 17 year old Katie would have a better understanding…she always seemed to. I think maybe someone should’ve warned me sooner or had I listened a little better to those that actually did warn me…I wouldn’t have dwelled so long on what seems like a now very silly boy…and a disappointment of a girl. May be the let downs wouldn’t have been so bad.

Then again…life needs a few let downs…if only to make it all a little easier later on down the road. 

When I told Ian that I could no longer sleep alone….I really meant that I could no longer sleep without him. It’s weird to say, but with him, it’s like there’s this rope and no matter where I go or what I do…I always feel it, right where my metaphorical heart is supposed to be and on the other end of that rope is his heart. And even if somehow things went awry…I think that he would always be my soul mate. I do believe in soul mates…and I also believe that sometimes things just don’t work out and people change their minds. It’s lucky that we have a choice in these things….we may not make the right choices all the time but we make whatever choice we do, freely. 

My head and my heart have never agreed on anything…but that November was the first time they ever had…and neither head nor heart ever said another word otherwise. Even the thought of anyone else seems silly. Sometimes I get a little worried because I know that others might think always being together is a little much…that that will be the end of it all…and I worry sometimes that he’ll hear these things…and hear them to a point where it really does become the end. I worry that I’m not enough…or that one day I’ll no longer be enough. These worries, I feel, plague everyone at some point…and I feel as though they’d plague me forever only because I’ll never get over how lucky I got….my best friend…my boyfriend…is also the one person I can tell anything to…the one person I’d do absolutely anything for…the one person who will, no matter how circumstances may change, always, fully, have my heart. I’ve never believed in something so much. I’ve never been able to clearly envision a possible future like I have. I know it’s silly and girly, but as a little girl I wasn’t dreaming about princes or the perfect wedding. I wasn’t that little girl who put much thought into what was going to happen because almost all of my effort was either in  the past or the present. Now I feel that girly feeling…I can see it perfectly and it scares me a little because I always said this kind of thing wasn’t real….it wasn’t real because I just couldn’t see it for myself. It’s weird what one silly…simple…word can do…what one person can do. And I feel silly because I used to gag over this kind of thing….and now look at me…happy. 

I think if you told 15 year old me that one day…happy was a real thing….I probably would’ve just cried a little more, but they wouldn’t really be sad tears….they’d be hopeful ones…because both happiness and hope were things that I’d lost…things that I’d forgotten. 

Now I promise you…I’m not going to plan a wedding or anything like that anytime soon…and I promise I won’t get anymore serious than I am right now…because right now I’m still 22 and half year old me and I’ve got a lot to do, but I have hope that 25 or 26 year old me will come around any day now and tell me that the future is all okay…and I’ll bet I’ll laugh because it’ll seem a little ridiculous and somewhat impossible.

Though things always have the possibility of changing, I like to believe that this won’t. 

Song of Choice: “Ours”-Taylor Swift

Things I miss:

It hit me the other night how much I really miss my old life. I guess that’s strange to say considering I have a really great current life. I should have nothing to complain about…I know this…but I can’t help but look at everything and feel like I’m going to cry.

-I miss the way things used to be, the most. Is that weird? Maybe I only feel this way because I have more responsibility…I can’t sleep alone anymore…because I’m getting older every second every day…because all of my friends have their own lives…all my friends have moved on…have now found it unbearable to all be together under the same roof without getting a twinge of anger, resentment, annoyance, or jealousy. 

-I miss the way I used to seem to have all the time in the world. Part of my weeks used to spent with Q…the other part with Aly and the weekend with Rockie…And god knows jamie on rare and wonderful occasions. And somehow in-between I went to school (and did well) I let loose, I spent time with my family, and I went to work. I miss when I could take a paid sick day just so I could secretly go to disneyland. I miss when every move I made wasn’t judged or scrutinized…I miss when people didn’t tell me I was being too childish or even too serious…they just didn’t tell me anything, especially not what I should and should not be doing. We just spent time together…AND ENJOYED IT.

-I miss feeling free. This is strange because I’m more free than I’ve ever been…so free that keep making every possible mistake a 22 year old girl can make. I guess I also miss structure and rules and my parents thinking for me. 

- I miss when my body didn’t ache or make me feel like I looked inadequate compared to someone else. I miss when I didn’t find anyone superior to anyone.

-I miss being grounded……I didn’t think I’d ever say this. But I miss this excuse. I miss when I was never anywhere but in my bedroom in the late afternoon. I miss staying up late to finish a book I’d fallen in love with. I miss my cd player and when I couldn’t drive.

-I miss the feeling I used to get when I drove anywhere because I just felt lucky to get to go anywhere….now there’s always somewhere to go and not enough hours in the day to get there.

-I miss when I didn’t feel like a shit head for knowing a secret.

-I miss when everyone seemed to tell each other everything and parts of the story weren’t always a mystery. 

-I miss my long hair. I’ll always miss my long hair. I know now that my hair will never be as it was. 

-I miss when I walked into a thrift store and didn’t see other people my age, dressed up in a way that now makes me roll my eyes. I miss when no one really liked the way we dressed and we didn’t care….I miss when “not caring” wasn’t an “in” thing to do.

-I miss when I stayed away from boys and never had to deal with heart break or jealousy. 

-I miss when our problems were never really problems…just bumps in the road. I miss when you could say that whatever it was, was simply a “bump in the road” and whoever you were with would listen to you, and smile, and reassure you….instead of looking at you like “Yea, how the fuck are you gonna get out of this one?”…which all I see now.

-I miss when we weren’t so cynical and life was glorious and beautifully possible.

-I miss when Babies and weddings didn’t surround us. I miss when it was who kissed who or how many people we’ve kissed….or even just when kissing was such a big deal….rather than the latest pregnancy or engagement.

-I miss when things were new. 

… I just miss it.

“2011”(1/12/12)

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Sometimes during the day something will happen and I’ll think about how great it would sound on paper…or in a more common case, how great the sound of my fingers hitting the keys of my lap top would be, but by the time I get to my computer, the moment doesn’t seem all that meaningful anymore and I sigh staring at the blank computer screen. But at this current juncture writing seems necessary, so I’d like (as most people do this time of year) to reflect on the last year of my life. Looking back at my 2011, my first look back at it  it didn’t seem all that great….it even seems like 2011 didn’t even happen because it went by so quickly. But 2011 most certainly did happen…and I’ll most certainly remember how agonizingly long it felt at times. I’ll also remember every lesson I learned and every lesson I had to learn a couple times.

1) A year ago this time I was going through some typical phase of mine. A phase where I felt like I had reached some kind of an impasse. I had reconnected with Kaitlin, my friend of an amazing 17 years. It was her 22nd birthday and I had somehow found myself in a hummer limo with 12 other people I didn’t know. We were off to some club I’d never heard of and, for the record, I’d never even been to a club before. So, not knowing what exactly I was in for that night, I casually sipped cranberry vodkas and socialized on our ride to this foreign place. As we got closer to the venue the music and voices in the limo lowered and everyone seemed to have this new look on their faces…one that meant they’d found that forbidden fruit tree and they’d already taken a bite. While I observed this curious change in everyone around me, little did I know, everyone was observing me with question marks in their eyes. A friend of mine in the car asked if I’d ever done this drug called “ecstasy” and would I like to try it. I flashed to every thing I’d ever been told about drugs. Everyone promised me nothing would go wrong…everyone promised all would be more than ok. Did I want to spend 100$ on alcohol all night? Or did I want this pretty little green pill for free? I decided I was only young once…I decided no one else would ever have to know. So I took that little pill and took a shot of vodka. My body began to change…rather my mind. Suddenly everyone was wonderful and nothing in the world could ever be terrible because in that state of mind nothing was ever terrible. Then the music boomed and laser lights flashed and shot every which way across the club. That’s when it hit me like a wave. I blinked once and a smile crept across my face and I began to move to the music. I moved with friends I’d just met and strangers who laughed because we shared the same secret. 

It was one of the best nights I’d ever had to say the least. There would be other nights quite similar to this particular night…each better than the time before. I didn’t tell this story first just because of where it falls chronologically, but because this experience was a major part of my growth this last year and not just the drug but the merging of friends and friendships made stronger because of this little happy pill and just other alcoholic induced nights was in everything we did. It may not make any sense now…but it will.

2) My biggest lesson of all, Ian Tichelaar. From the moment our eyes met years ago…there was nothing my heart wanted more than him. Among all the different things my heart did when I met Ian (that never happened with all the others) the biggest most admirable thing I think my heart did….was to wait. Though my heart pined and longed for the instant gratification…my heart somehow managed to only get stronger with each passing day spent in waiting. The way seemed to fuel my heart rather than weaken it. I’ve been told there are plenty of other fish in the sea, I’ve been told that I was setting myself up for a broken heart, I was told many things the last two years. And though did heart break a couple times…I believe it was the right pieces that broke off. There was a never a doubt in my mind that in the end love really would conquer all. Love would hurt, most certainly, and love would unattainable, but that only meant that with hurt came a lesson…with unattainability came the adventure and thrill of the chase. Love was never meant to be easy…love was meant to teach us how to love…it was meant to show us how to be strong and how to be weak. I have learned so much from knowing this boy…from choosing to ride the roller coaster that is essentially life and love and choosing to ride it with the same person. Ian is my best friend…I’m pretty he knows me better than anyone I know…even  more than my parents. I wouldn’t be me without him. It’s weird, being independent and self sufficient is something one should always be, but there comes a moment when suddenly you can be those things but it’s impossible to be them without someone else. It’s been tough and its been the most amazing thing in the world…and in the end, I got the boy and I’ve never been happier than I am right this moment. 

3)School. Fuck school…seriously. School seemed so promising when I was 20. I definitely wasn’t ready for it and I definitely stopped wanting to be. When I went into communication disorders I thought I’d be like all my other friends, getting it done. But I didn’t and still couldn’t. School became terrible and I began to resent it. I realized this last year that I wasn’t happy in my major. I know I seemed to have wasted my parent money, but this change of major was something I needed to do. Already I know this was the greatest decision I could’ve made although two years too late. So it goes I guess, we all make decisions in our own time…as long as we make them, right?

4) Kyle and Ian. The three of us have gotten so close in that last couple years that now we’re inseparable. It seems a little absurd, but we’re meant to be. We’ve done a lot of crazy things. We’ve done things we aren’t proud of. But we did them together and I think that’s the point. We definitely had our wake up call this year. Although it seemed a little sad…sad to let go of our childish ways and hard partying, it was for the best. I’ll always have those nights to reflect on. Especially the nights we sit just us three, appreciating each other and the time we’ve spent. We all have to grow up, I just happened to get lucky enough to not have to do it alone. It’s gonna be tough for us. We still have a long road ahead of us, but we’re making the effort and we’re really trying this time. I think we’ll be okay, as long as we have each other…we’ll be okay. 

5)I’m glad I still have Q and Rockie. We’ve grown up so much since high school…for the better of course. We’ve all had our share of shit over the years and I’m just glad that I had them every step of the way. This last year it was very evident that we all lead completely separate lives now, it’s crazy because I can remember when we were each others lives. But what I’ve learned is that no matter how far apart we are from each other…or how often we see one another…we’ll always be in contact. I love talking to Q on my rides home from work…it’s as if we’re always hanging out…as if I don’t I miss one thing. We’ll be friends forever, that’s all I know for sure. 

6) I lost Jamie as friend this year. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. I think losing is friend is worse than a broken heart…it’s more like a stab to the soul. But I’ve learned every one has their own life and their plan and whether I’m apart of it is completely out of my control. Jamie was my best friend and although we’re on speaking terms now, it was a rough one because of her. What’s done is done and I’ve learned that I can’t go back…I can’t care. Sometimes things just happen and all you can be is okay with it. I’m okay with it. 

7)My family. My family has been through a lot the last couple years…with my Aunt dying last year, it tore every one up. When I think about her now I only have good memories. I think of how kind she was and the way she raised Josh and Sean. I remember she taught me about horses and whenever I see one I think of her and how she put me on the back of one eons ago. And she’d tell me, Kid, be free. And when I got older, it was easier to let loose of those reins. I know losing her did a lot to my other Aunt. And it’s hard now to go to family things. It’s hard. But she changed us. Losing her….we changed. My parents have been good to me my whole life. I think I feel the worst about this last year. It kills me all the things I put them through…I wish I was better at showing them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I’m going to do my best in this new year to show them all I can be and I’m going to make sure they know that they’re best.

I often think to myself about how much I partied in 2011. I look back and I’m instantly ashamed because I know all the things I neglected while blind with party syndrome. There were nights I sat with people and we all were okay and nothing seemed to be wrong. These were my days…my days to get it all out…no regrets.And though sometimes I think of all the things I could’ve done….I now can look back without these worries. I have many more days ahead of me…a whole new year of lessons and growing up. I’m still young and I still have mistakes to make and learn from. I still have a full life agenda. One day I hope to look back at this and smile about it all. I’m happy. So I can now officially say Hello, 2012. I’m ready. 

I don’t want to get any older. #finalsweek

Today I avoided the studying I had to do until a couple hours ago when I forced myself to read. While reading these chapters, I could feel the tears behind my eyes. What’s wrong with me? I kept asking myself after each paragraph. I realized how scared I was. I thought of 5 months from now when most people I know would be graduating university. When I thought about this a knot formed in my throat. I’ve started to accept the fact that I won’t be joining my peers in May, but what I haven’t and won’t be able to accept is that every single one of those people will take a huge leap in their lives…one that will take them further from me. Not only my graduating friends, but other friends who have plan to move out of the state for school and various other things. This worries me. I’ve never been that good at making friends especially since leaving high school (and always thought I never needed anyone else than who I have) and the only time I do make friends is usually after a couple beers or one jack and coke. …and those friends only last a couple hours. 

I don’t know as though I’m very good with people at all now that I’ve gotten older. I can barely handle my own boyfriends family….fuck I can barely handle talking to my own. 

How am I supposed to have an interview for my first real job? How am I supposed to converse with co-workers and the parents of kids that I’ll one day be working with? 

I’m torn. 

I’m torn because even though my graduation date is seemingly faraway and I desperately wish time would speed up…I also desperately wish time would slow down. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for next semester…even if I only have one class and it’s a class I have to re-take. I’m not ready because next semester is going to start…and it’s also going to end. And when it ends…everyone is going…everywhere. 

I’ll only be going to the same places…I’ll still be doing the same things. I wouldn’t be bothered by never changing…if it meant that no one else would either. But we don’t live in my world..and without change I wouldn’t be who I am today.

I’m scared mostly because Rockie’s leaving. She’s leaving and I won’t be able to call her. Kyle will be leaving…and I won’t have anyone to listen to Taylor Swift with…I won’t have my best friend to remind me to relax…and to let me know when I’m being dramatic. I won’t have him to make me laugh…I won’t have him. Ian plans on going to Italy after graduation to visit Dave and use his free flights. He said I could go too, but I don’t fly for free and the next couple months won’t have much saving going on.  And then…summer…and then? I’ve always lived in the present. This is why I had no plan for after high school…this is why I never had a plan because I took things day by day. 

But I’m 22 now. You can’t just take things day by day anymore. You have to think about the future…you have to plan. You have to be responsible. 

And all I’ve been doing since my parents started laying down the law and money stopped being as  easy to throw away as it used to be two years ago, is think about the future. I’m scared to get a real job…worse I’m afraid of the interview. I’m afraid to go to grad school. I’m afraid to live alone…or on my own in general. I’m afraid of money. I’m afraid of spending. I’m afraid I’m getting less fun every day. I’m afraid my boyfriend will one day want to stop being my boyfriend….(even though that seems ridiculous…it scares me because he’ll be starting a new chapter…and I won’t get to start with him). I’m scared because I’m afraid I’m starting to think about and want things I didn’t want before. I’m afraid of saying “I love you” because that might kill things even though I know how in love we both are. I’m afraid of just being a time filler. I’m afraid of being temporary. I’m afraid of being replaced by someone smarter or more worldly…someone more social and someone who can mesh well in a crowd of people. Someone not me. 

I’m afraid. 

I don’t know where this is coming from. The more time I’ve spent having sober weeks…is when reality hits me like freight train and I feel like I grow at least 3 months older every week.

This is what happens when you decide to put the future on hold because partying and forgetting seemed so much nicer…it was “because we’re young…because we should…because we could.” 

Yea. Look at me now….finals week and I’m a complete mess and I have no idea if I’m gonna pass this shit.

I can’t sleep like this. This seems really silly and cheesy and gross. I’m such a girl I hate it. It’s been two nights in a row that I’m spending in my own bed and for the life of me I can’t even close my eyes! This is what happens when you fall in love. This is what happens when you sleep in the same bed with so much…someone who you can easily fall asleep next to. And because it’s so much easier with him around…anything else is terrible!

Yes, I’ve lost my mind. But how could I not when he says things like this?!

Dear Angeline

I wanted to apologize for giving you a lack of sensitivity on the phone last when you called. I feel really bad and I’m sorry. I wanted to write you this because the next couple weeks are going to be hell although I know we’ll find the time to chat any way. First and foremost I wanted to say I’m glad we’ve been talking almost everyday…it really does make my days better. You’ve always been my voice of reason and as I’ve always said, you keep me normal. 

I’m sorry about that christmas party. I know what it meant to you and I know that even though you won’t say it entirely, that boy meant something to you as well. He was a reason to be at a place you despise. He was a reason. I think we find these people we totally click with and we wrap ourselves up in them with our silly girl fantasies and dreams that we forget that they have a life we don’t know about…and maybe we’ll never know about. It’s kind of funny in a sad sort of way. I wish I knew about every one…and selfishly I wish somehow their lives were parallel with mine ….just so I knew we were always on the same page in things. I guess that’s not real though. And I don’t want to be selfish….even though I really am. I’d like to say that I know what it feels like to show up somewhere where everyone knows whats going on but me and it seems as though every one is watching…waiting for the fireworks to begin. And if I did….maybe we would’ve felt the same…but then again this was your moment and I’ll never truly know how you felt in that moment. But I can imagine and it makes me wish I could’ve been there, just so I could march you right out of there and we’d go somewhere better…somewhere far enough away that you could forget everything.

Sometimes I wish for that. I dreamt last night that it was christmas day…and everything in my life couldn’t be better…despite the misfortunes that aren’t really misfortunes at all. In my dream I decided to go for run. For some reason I brought my wallet with me, filled a little extra money. I began my run…and I kept running…kept running…I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, but it only made me go further. Pretty soon I’d gotten so far away from home that it seemed almost silly to go back. I saw everyone I loved in my mind and I imagined what they might think of me. I kept running…further and further I got. Somehow I’d made it to an airport and I had enough money for a one way ticket to anywhere…I bought that ticket and I sat in the terminal watching plans come in and take off. I pictured myself on each one….where I’d end up…the new life I could start. I think I imagined zillions of different life scenarios. But none of them seemed to really make me happy. I looked down at my one way ticket and all that it promised me…and I threw it in a near by trash can and hailed a taxi cab to take me home…just in time to be with every one I knew and everyone I knew I would always have. I knew no matter what this was the life for me and no matter what happened…it was the only life I would be happy with.

I don’t really how the inclusion of my dream pertains but maybe it will help you like it helped me when I woke up this morning.

I also want you to know that you’re extremely caring person…and there really is a fate and it has a plan for each and every individual…which means my dear Q…there is a  plan for you. There’s a boy out there that’s just like you and he’s searching just like you. So don’t you worry your pretty little mind…because for now make life. And be cute doing it…which I know you’ll have no trouble at all with.

I’ll call you after class.

Love,

Me :)

I saw Rockie tonight and she told me about what Jamie had written on Xanga…Q then sent it to me. When I read it she seemed so much older than me….to an extent. I guess we all live our lives differently and there’ll always be someone else’s life we’d rather take on…even just for a day…and we lead the lives we actually do and think we should in the best ways we know how and it still boggles my mind the directions we all went in. We’re all so different now 4 years later. 4 years ago all that mattered to me was a boy who couldn’t forgive me and a school year I bull shitted. I didn’t think about school really and I fantasized about making my own clothes that only I would wear. 

I always spoke of things happening for a reason…I never really thought there’d be an actual reason. I guess I just didn’t think about it all until the last year or so.  I could go into detail of the chain of events that lead me here, but I think maybe I do that a little too often. The point is I never thought sleeping next to someone, someone I really loved, would be a real thing. I definitely never thought that person would always want me to either…always want me around…and would be my best friend. I never thought I’d never want to be away from someone for too long. When did I really care? When did I fall in love? When did reality become a dream I never thought I’d really want? 

When did we all get older?

There will always be apart of me that will miss Jamie. She was the first real best friend I ever had. I won’t ever forget everything we went through and especially that one summer we always talked about. I thought I’d get to have her as my friend forever. But sometimes forever is just a silly thing we tell ourselves when we’re young. Maybe that’s a sad thing, but please don’t think I’ve lost hope in forever…I’ve just now learned that somethings can’t be forever…some things end. And that’s okay. 

I told Rockie tonight, I said, It’s okay that you talk about Sean all the time, I never minded because if you’re lucky enough to have someone in your life that you really love in that lovely way…then talk until you run out of breath and even when you run out of breath, take another one and start again. But while you speak, never forget the person listening. Never forget that person needs to speak too and never forget that you need other people, the people you’ve always been close to. We’ll get far from each other, all of us, but I vow to call you as much as I can and visit when I’m able just so we don’t lose touch with each others lives…and that’s worked for us all these years. I’ll never lose sight of either of you, Q and Rockie. You keep me normal. 

You keep me okay, and I’m glad you both have been around.

We’re going to get older everyday and it might seem a little morbid to talk about but I don’t mind getting older with the people  I surround myself with today. This is the reason. 

I’d left home for three days. In those three days I laughed, I fell in love over and over again with the same boy, I saw friends and I saw friends I’d known since I was only 6, I fell asleep by a small fireplace wrapped in someones arms, I drank poison and talked about the present…the past…and fantasized about a future I hoped included everyone I already knew, I drove back and forth, I helped solve a 5th grader’s word problems, I watched movies,I did dishes and did laundry, I made food, I ordered food, I hugged and I sang celine dion songs, I slept until well passed noon, I had secret conversations about how happy we were despite what’s been thrown at us, and  I did everything just as I wanted to.

It was beautiful.

I think I really love this time of year. I came home after those three days and it felt nice. My parents were where they usually were in our house and they still loved me. I enjoyed the sound of the rain and the way things were beginning to feel. Angeline came to pick me up and it was great because for the first time in so long there wasn’t a computer screen in front of me and an hour drive of distance between us. It was when I went outside in the rain that I began to feel like I always do this time of year….warm and happy. That’s how they say this time of year is supposed to feel, right? The last two years this time were hard…I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love with your best friend and those silly complications of timing get in the way. This year though…there’s something about this year. This year my family will be around for Thanksgiving and even though my Aunt won’t be with us and even though My Uncle’s met another woman…I’m glad we’ll be together..through all the shit that might come with it of preparing food and answering the same mundane questions about what I’m doing. 

Today I went outside and it smelled like winter. I could feel the butterflies rising in my stomach and I couldn’t help but smile. I remember always thinking this time of year was the time of year, not only that there would be wonderful nights with family and friends and the hope that Santa might treat us well this year…but it was the time of year when people always fell in love. When I was 16 I met a boy in the fall and I loved him in a way I’ll never love someone again…but it was  just a first love, not the last. And I’ll remember those nights forever, but it didn’t take long for me to grow up and life began to really happen.

3 years ago I met a boy in the Autumn through a sliding glass door. From the moment I saw him I loved him. I was infatuated with him. He looked at me, but he didn’t really see me. It was October and that was the year the hills behind my  house were on fire and my hair was brown. It was spring time when I’d see him again on someones couch at a party. Again, I loved him.  This time I sat next to him, but he looked straight ahead and my world got fuzzy. My hair was blonde and I’d just discovered beer pong. I wouldn’t see him again for awhile. Then, I wouldn’t think of him for awhile. Boys would come and boys would go. My friends were constant and the weekends were everything to a girl like me. There wasn’t much time to think…it was a time of doing…no questions asked. As the world spun and freedom seemed like it would never run out, the unexpected happened. They say that’s when things happen, when you least expect it and your totally immersed in life…something happens that catches you completely off guard. Whoever said that first…was so very right. I’d sworn off love and there really wasn’t time for it anyway. That’s when it got me. I’ll remember talking for the first time and how I’d never felt that way with any boy. I’d never stayed up into the wee hours just talking to a boy about life and every thing we loved and hated and did and didn’t. It was the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t fight it. I’ll remember when it seemed like fate was toying with me when it gave him to me…when I couldn’t have him. It would be a long time before I saw the reasoning in that. But there would christmas parties and dancing…and most importantly, laughing, that would be in the days that followed. There would be the nights we drank. The night he kissed me for the first time and it was like I had never been kissed before and I never would be again. Then all the kisses that followed. The night it was raining and we walked around that lake by his house and as it poured on us and we were running, he stopped and grabbed my hand…and he kissed me. It was perfect. Perfect doesn’t happen…but when it does, the whole world seems to get a little silent and you forget everything else, just for a couple seconds, but it seems to last an eternity. You can’t live in “perfect,” but every so often, you can have a little of it. There were ups and downs. There were tears. But I held on because I knew one day it would all be worth it. 

Maybe it isn’t the way it happens in the movies and maybe it won’t forever. But there’s something in me that knows otherwise. There’s something in me that believes that anythings possible and that everything that lead up to now (the people I met…the things that happened) was for so many reasons…he was the biggest reason of all. 

Sometimes I wish I could’ve recorded every second of our time together thus far and compile it all together. When I met him, my world changed. From the moment I saw him, I loved him….and every moment I see him after, it feels like this time of year…every time, I fall in love again. 

Here’s to Thanksgiving. Here’s to Christmas. Here’s to a New Year. And here’s to love and the hope that everyone finds it. 

The luckiest girl in the world

I feel like its become increasingly apparent how much time I spend obsessing over my own appearance. It’s driven me into such a state of madness that some days I just completely give up on it all. I was thinking back to so many conversations I’ve had with my closest girl friends  and I replay those conversations over and over until I begin to really hear ourselves. I realized we could create our own magazine filled with pictures and gossip about people we’ve met that we find ourselves jealous of or even the ones we poke slight little jokes about. We’d have a whole monthly section dedicated to outfit bashing and “She did what..?!” kinds of articles. Then of course there’d be a section dedicated to the  girls we find difficult to look at, but have to look at, because they’re just that beautiful. Whether it’s their smile or their clothes…or just the mere fact that we believe they’re the “whole package.” ….everything we wish we could be. 

Of course any sort of magazine written about every day girls would be the creepiest thing on earth, but by the way girls talk about one another…it becomes more than just gossip it becomes a real discussion. 

When I was 15 I was in a state of mind where boys didn’t really even matter. Of course, I had my fair share of crushes, in fact I probably had a new one every school year. But at 15, I wasn’t trying to impress any boys really and  what I wore was what I wore, my hair would do what it was going to do and I stopped caring about what I looked like.  Throughout the rest of my high school years…I was happy because I wasn’t worried about what anyone else thought of me. 

So when did I become so obsessed with how I looked? When did it start to matter? Was it when boys started to matter? I don’t really know, but I’ve decided that I can’t beat myself up over it anymore. I don’t want to look at other girls and wish for something I’ll never be and I don’t want to feel like I have to meet some sort of expectation or standard. I want to be liked for who I am. And that statement seems so silly and youthful in a way because I feel its a mantra you tell yourself in the awkward middle school and early high school years of your life. But for me? My I embraced those awkward years without realizing that I was doing so and somehow shot them 4 years into the future…now currently my present. This is where I find myself tugging at my clothes trying to make sure they look perfect…where I find myself playing with my hair too much, hoping it’ll grow faster…and where I’ll glance at my reflection in a mirror checking to make sure my body is in order. WHy should I do these things? Why should I be trying to impress a girl I’ve never actually met, every Monday afternoon? Does she care? The truth? Probably not. There’s always a reason we have a past, it’s so that it can stay there. It’s so that we can grow from our first heart break, our first bad grade, and whatever other shit may come our way and somehow incorporate this new strength into our present lives to make a better future for ourselves. So, some girl who broke up with my boy friend a year and half ago with a giant ring on that pretty little finger of hers…probably doesn’t give two shits about what I’m wearing or how long my hair is. 

What I should be focused on is getting through the semester. What I should be focusing on is paying off my bills so that I can buy some cute clothes every once in a while like I used to. I should be focusing on my current friendships and how to keep them as strong as ever. What I should be focusing on is the boy I’m in love with and the fact that he likes me for who I am…for what I look like without any kind of alteration…and I should focus on us and enjoy our time together instead of crying over a past that isn’t changeable and girls I’ll never be. 

I’m already the luckiest girl in the world and I know that every other girl should feel like they are too. And so the next time I find myself getting a little jealous or passing by some girl who seems to know she’s won and appears to have it all…I’m just going to smile to myself and remember that I’m still me and in my own eyes I’m going to believe that I’ve won too and that someone somewhere believes I’m perfect…just as I am.